I like what you're doing with the verbs here, just in the
first sentence alone: release, unlatch, shrink. “Prevent” doesn't seem to do as
much as the other verbs but it still keeps from being too flat, too
predictable. Perhaps something punchier, something more exact?
I think some good ol' fashioned enjambment might do this
draft some justice as well. For example: "I stand in awe of this
halo" is such a great line and could probably stand on its own, but the
line that follows it is something too abstract. Tie it to something
physical--halo of what? Giotto frescoes? Imagine this:
I stand in awe of this halo
of Giotto frescoes, seeking and blue
Perhaps not that, but at least it illustrates what I mean
about the lines.
After that, it gets a little muddle. Who is telling you
of everything bad in your life? Francis? So much has happened in between that
line that I have to read back to
understand what I am being told. "Everything bad in my life" sounds
tired, cliche and abstract. Be specific if you can or else just take the line
out altogether.
Who is the "you?" I like this idea of being
built and I think it could be the draft's center. As a sidenote, Sydney is
introduced a little too late and pretending to be a reader who doesn’t know
Sydney, I would be so confused by her sudden and specific appearance consider
she pretty much brings you the ending.
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